


Love You Goodbye

by robertstanion



Series: Black Friday Fics [13]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, M/M, descriptive, i wrote this spontaneously at 1 am and what about it, pure angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:14:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25540411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: Xander confirms John has to die for the earth to continue to survive. Neither take the news very well.
Relationships: John McNamara/Xander Lee
Series: Black Friday Fics [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1564606
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Love You Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> this is the one where i listened to one direction on repeat (again) at 1 am even though my eyes were begging to sleep but idgaff after yesterday's events. so i will continue to vibe with my big words and my five water bottles that remain unopened as i place everything away. thank you and goodnight.

A small ember drifted towards the concrete as he walked out, climbing in his car. He rolled the window down, pulling the seatbelt over him, his beloved beside him. He tapped any remaining ash off before he pressed it back to his lips. The smoke felt _good,_ and he didn’t feel the tension that had seemed to settle in his chest only moments ago. But he knew that it was inevitable that everything that is good came to an end, which is why he exhaled, a huff following. He felt a strong hand squeeze his arm, and he nodded to reassure the man beside him. Fumbling with the keys in his right hand, using his dominant hand to keep the drug steady. He ignored the rising anger as he was finally able to locate the place to put in the keys. With a firm _click,_ the car burst into life. His shoulders relaxed at once, sighing with the actions, as he flicked more ash away, pressing it back to his lips, his right hand taking its grip on the friendly texture of the wheel. ‘

They didn’t speak. How could they? The mission would end it all. It was a mission only one, if not, _neither_ would make it out alive. The metal on their hands meant _nothing._ They hadn’t spoken since the physicist broke the news, the words filling the air with the heavy emotion of acceptance, of guilt, or realisation. Neither had wanted it to come down to it, and they’d fought, they’d been fighting for _so long_ and since, they’d failed.

In that moment of time, it was impossible to tell the foreseeable outcome that awaited them on the other side of that portal frame. He gripped the wheel tighter, choosing not to properly finish the cigarette, throwing it out of the window. He left it down, not rolling it back up. It wasn’t like his hair would blow dramatically in the wind or some sort of unrealistic bullshit like that. It was tied back neatly into a ponytail, like it always was. The few wisps of hair that hadn’t managed to be pulled back where placed neatly underneath the general’s beret. He chose to ignore his husband’s solemn face out of the corner of his eye. He _chose_ to ignore it, knowing he’d only grieve harder later.

In marriage, you had to stay bonded tight. You couldn’t slip up and you most definitely couldn’t fight. If you fought, you were one step closer to losing the significant other, and it would make things harder if you wanted them back. You had to learn to let them go, you had to learn your boundaries, you had to learn _his_ boundaries, and it was the most challenging thing you ever had to go through. You’d never planned to gain a friend in the force, and you certainly never planned on him becoming your lawfully wedded, but even if you survived, would it prove to you that you could still be friends? It was impossible to know.

He pulled up at his drive and slammed the door shut, puling out the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, watching the flame on the lighter dance in the wind, telling it’s own story. He had no story to tell. His chapter was over. He’d die a hero, like he’d always planned. His time was up, and he’d accepted his fate.

The front door had unlocked, and you both stepped inside. He hung up his beret, loose, faint strands of hair shaping the curves and features of his face. He ignored it. He pressed the flame to the cigarette and let it burn. He took a sharp inhale, keeping the smoke in his airways momentarily before he exhaled.

He could see the pain sweep across his beloved’s face, and he found himself reaching up to hold his shoulder. He watched as a bead fell down his dark skin, and he brushed it away with his thumb. He watched as his husband’s face crumpled up like paper, his eyes creasing as another tear fell. He brushed it away again, and his husband’s shoulders shook with every breath. He found himself being enveloped tightly. He moved the cigarette out of harms way, wrapping his arm around the crying man. He could do nothing except whisper soft nothings to him. They didn’t work. Nothing had worked, not even their original plan. Everything had failed, and everything would continue to fail until he met God face to face.

“I will be okay, I assure you,” he said calmly, as he’d been trained to do. He was desensitised, unable to let his guard down. He still felt as if he was standing in the physicist’s lab, the news being dropped on him. The feeling hung heavy, weighing him down further, and his entire body had drooped since. There hadn’t been a sign of strength or command in so long, and there wouldn’t be any longer. He’d get his face on the hall of fame, but where would his agency go to? _Who_ would his agency go to? He hoped they kept PEIP running. He sure as hell did.

“You’re just saying that because you don’t wanna hurt me,” a tearful voice spoke, gripping the back of his husband’s shirt tighter, trying to keep his tears steady. “I messed up, John. How do you bounce back from a mistake like that?”

“It appears the situation would be more difficult than originally anticipated,” he admitted, pulling out of the embrace, his eyes still as cold as they were when the winter breeze brushed against his knuckles on the drive home. He couldn’t bare to look his husband in the eyes, unclipping his jacket on the front, before he heard the soft sob of the man in front of him that rattled the entirety of John’s skeleton.

“Goddamit, John. You can’t even _try_ to show a little mercy, can you? I understand feelings aren’t easy for you, I get that, and I’ve gotten that for years, for every single minute of every hour that we have been together, I have gotten that.” He felt a tightness in his chest as he swallowed another sob. “And you _have_ to stay as the general, don’t you? You can’t even treat me like your fucking husband. I’m just your _physicist,_ aren’t I?”

“Of course you are not, but this is an increasingly difficult scenario and I am trying to think of the most logical solution to this.”

Xander could only look at John, ignoring his eyes, still wet with…with what? With the anger his husband wasn’t treating him like a human being, and more or less an object. With the snap of his heart that forced him to realise this time tomorrow the silence in the house that was comforting to him _now_ would be deafening and would in no shape or form console him as he grieved. “I’m going to bed,” he announced, and stepped out of the living room, expecting himself to hear the heavy footsteps of John’s boots to follow.

They didn’t.

Morning approached as it always did. The sun rose over from the east, yet the golden glow that filled the room mocked him. Mercy. Where was the mercy he so badly needed? He stretched awake, his grey shirt clinging to him as he kicked back the covers, choosing not to bother checking if John had followed him up last night. He slid into his slippers and stretched his arms over his head, facing the window, facing Hatchetfield as he knew it. As he lowered his arms, he kept his eyes fixed on the suddenly ethereal depiction of a wasteland and raised both middle fingers towards the window. He closed his eyes and took in the sharp inhale of the coastal breeze that drifted in from the window, exhaling softly. Another repeat of the action, in and out, in and out, aware of the cotton shirt that followed his movements, aware of the breeze as it danced around his bare shoulders, tickling the back of his neck. He lowered his wrist, striking up the courage to see if John _was_ in bed or not.

He wasn’t.

Xander made his way downstairs, ignoring the twang of pain in his chest. Was this what it felt like to fall out of love, or was this what it felt like to lose hope? Xander still loved him. He still loved everything about him like it was the first day they got together, but they were drifting. A general and a lieutenant who doubled as a physicist under the same roof didn’t work anymore. No more opening up about emotions, no more talking, no cuddling on the couch. The house stayed as cold as it felt outside, even with the heating on.

He walked to the kitchen, grabbing his mug from the cupboard, filling it up with coffee, taking a quick swig, allowing the rush of warmth to run down his throat, making him shudder. He adjusted to the sensation, closing his eyes as he settled. He felt the brush of another person pass him, and they were colder. It didn’t take long for him to realise, once the sound of a zipper called to him from the next room over, that John was there.

Xander placed his mug down, stepping into the room, to see his husband lacing up his boots, muttering incoherent nonsense to himself. Xander cleared his throat to make himself aware, and he watched John’s eyes flick up to meet his. Hope rose in Xander for a split second until John dropped the connection to finish tying his laces, and Xander had had enough. He was tired of feeling used, he was tired of spending hours of the night awake, waiting for John to come to bed, only to wake up the next morning to see John on the couch. Why? Why was he so _distant?_

“John, do you love me?!” Xander asked, not taking his eyes off of his husband. Or…who was _supposed_ to be his husband.

John stopped his movements then, tensing slightly. “Xander, I need to get to work.”

“I tell you that I love you every day! Every single day before we head to work, I tell you I love you! When was the last time you said it back?!”

“Xander, _please-“_

“Why are you begging with me? You can’t even tell me that you _do_ love me. Or did you lead me on for the entirety of our marriage?”

“It isn’t _like_ that.”

“I found out yesterday that, due to my consequences, _you_ had to die for the planet to thrive. You, somebody who I let my guard down for, someone I let see at my weakest, my most troubled, _had_ to die for the planet to keep thriving! I am in an _extreme_ amount of pain right now to see you on the couch, just _lacing up your boots_ as if it’s nothing?!”

“Why should it be anything? It’ll be just an average mission and life will proceed as normal.”

A flash of hurt crossed Xander’s face, unable to take his eyes away from him. His breath hitched as his mouth hung open agape. Was this the same man he’d married? He couldn’t tell. “Normal? _Are you forgetting who is standing here?!”_ He raised his hand up so that his wedding ring was in eyesight for John. He watched his husband flinch and turned his head. “Maybe _you_ should be showing mercy towards me. I’m sick of being vulnerable around you.”

“I can’t let myself do that.”

“And why not? You were _fine_ until a month ago! John, you aren’t my husband!”

“Of course, I am!”

“My John would have comforted me while I cried yesterday! I was scared, I _am_ scared about the future! I’ll be alone after today and you can do nothing but attempt to fight with me? Why aren’t you understanding the effects that you are causing by trying to lock everything away to portray yourself as some sort of hero to be idolised by the youth are, in reality, damaging to not only me but what will be your force.” He looked back at John. “You certainly aren’t going to apologise to me now, are you? The way you look, are you going to keep locking everything away, or will you let me see my husband and not my general?”

“I’m afraid I mustn’t. I have to go back to PEIP.”

“But you don’t.” He looked at him. This was a pathetic fight they were having. He watched as John tugged on his shoelaces and stood up, heading to the door. It wasn’t settling well with Xander. “Why do you always wear your uniform? Especially today. Are you going to wear that while you walk out of my life to spite me?”

“Xander…”

“No, you don’t get to say my name. Not until you admit the truth.” Xander walked forward as John took another step, and Xander grabbed John’s hand. “I don’t know how you feel about me, and I’m sorry if I ever did you wrong, or if I fucked up and I’m the cause of the downfall of our relationship. Going off of that fact, if we are over, you still should have spent last night with me.”

“I couldn’t.”

“Stop lying to yourself, John. You could. I’m scared I’ve lost you, and I have been for over a month.” Still holding John’s wrist, he spun the general around and cupped his cheek. “By tonight you’ll be dead, by tomorrow you’ll be gone, and you won’t be mine, so won’t you just tell me your apology or at least attempt to explain yourself to me?”

“It’s…” there was a brief pause. Maybe John was being knocked down. Maybe John was being pushed through to take control of the body, and not the man Xander thought of as his boss. His husband, not his superior. “Complicated,” John eventually finished, not meeting Xander’s eyes.

“Please, John, I can listen. But at least, let me love you goodbye. We’ll never get another chance.”

John stayed still for a second before he pushed Xander’s hand off of his face. He seemed to blink more, like he was blinking tears away, but his eyes were filled with nothing but numbness. “I love you too,” he whispered, before he turned and walked out.

Xander was at PEIP within the twenty-minute mark, his palms sweating and his hands shaking as he gripped the wheel of his car. Why had John done that? He was clueless. He shut the heavy door once he’d arrived and rushed to his lab, where, to no surprise, he found his husband being suited up by some other agents. When they saw Xander arrive, they smiled politely and left. Xander stayed still, looking at John again, taking in the final form of his husband. Uncontrollably, he ran forward and hugged him tightly, but that time round, he felt both arms hug him back.

At a time in their lives, they’d been unforgettable together, without a care to give, holding the world in their hands. Their love had been spontaneous, unexplainable, a code waiting to be cracked that only they’d been able to figure out. Unfortunately, Xander wasn’t a pining adult and knew when to give things up.

With a kiss being placed on John’s forehead, he pulled away and dropped a radio into John’s hand, fastening the helmet around John’s head. He pressed the button on the portal and heard it hiss open, forcing his eyes to the floor. “I know that there is nothing I can do to change the past, nor can I change the future, but if there is anything you want to tell me, anything at all, John, I _will_ listen.”

There was a moment’s silence before John spoke again. “I thought if I locked things away, it’d make it easier when I had to negotiate a peace with Wiggly. I figured if I distanced myself then you’d forget about your feelings and neither of us would become affected by this situation as much as we should have been. In reality, you were hurt more. You were already heartbroken, and I twisted the knife. I understand an apology may not cut this, but I will fight for you in that portal. Because I love you.”

Xander carefully took a breath as he listened in, his eyes slowly moving to glance at John, the glance becoming a fixed position quicker than he’d hoped. He could see the truth in John’s eyes. He didn’t stop himself as he walked forward again, holding the plastic that was immune to The Black and White’s effect, and tore it off of John. Once it was off, he held John and pulled him into a kiss, one Xander never wanted to end.

But it was inevitable everything in the universe _must_ come to an end for the Earth to flourish.

He felt John’s lips move in sync with his own, and the taste of them bought him back to all their favoured memories, to all the places they’d been on dates or missions and the nights that could have ended so much more differently if they’d put in the effort. It was too late to change anything, and they both knew that. When they broke from the kiss, tears were in John’s eyes, the realisation of what was about to occur must have hit him.

“Xander, I’m scared.”

“I know you are, I understand, but you need to fight.” As he brushed away the first of possibly many tears, he placed the helmet back on to John’s body, locking it in with the rest of the suit. He let go of John and clicked on his own radio, hearing the static come through John’s. “The radio works. You need help, radio back to me. Then at least we can end this mission right.”

“Got it…” John’s voice shook as he stepped towards the portal, his breathing slightly less confident than it had been before. “I love you, Xander.”

“I love you too, John,” Xander repeated the phrase, taking his position at his desk as he watched his husband walk through the portal. He gripped the desk slightly tighter, clinging on to the faint amount of hope he had remaining that John would make it out and that they’d be able to fix whatever went wrong.


End file.
